Um...I know people might think I'm popular here (still an odd concept), but there is a reason Jess doesn't go to livestreams of others that much. Many of you know that I don't do well in crowds. I hate being around a lot of people especially with people I hardly know. When I go on streams of people like
, I remain invisible and don't speak most of the time. It's mostly because I don't know the people there and get nervous around them.
Tonight.......I got another big reason I'm most likely gonna keep away from any artist that is popular's streams.
I won't say who it was, but he is a great artist in his cartoon style. Has very animated characters and does fabulous lineart. He's a great artist and rightfully get's loads of commissions. However...he sketched the back of his character to where it looked like the front. At first, I ignored it and didn't mention anything since I figured he'd most likely catch his own error. But then he inked and was starting to do his weird shading thing and left the back still looking really REALLY funky. Well, I figured, "Hey, he's an artist that's near my level. He won't mind if I point it out, but I need to tell him nicely though."
Um...he and others did not take it well.
I won't go into detail, but it felt bad to be made fun of for how I type in a very formal way to others on streams and then stomped on for trying to help an artist. I'm very honest when I look at art and if someone asks for advice that's at the same level or similar or even above, I'll give them the best advice possible. If they're not quite grasping certain concepts yet, I focus on the main things for THAT artist.
I had to leave the stream in tears because it got that bad. I know I'm weird. I know I'm not great at talking or typing to others. I hate that I fail at trying to socialize with others that I consider amazing artists and then end up being considered a loser or a lame brat that shouldn't have brought up a flaw in the first place since she didn't want to.
Dang...I just feel like a loser. And writing this cursed short story for the past two days, knowing that people in the class will hate it anyway because I'm not like the others in that class makes me feel worse.
Sorry, but I figured to tell the truth to those that livestream. Many times I'll just watch, but not talk/type.
(Dang, I'm shivering so much and it's not from the cold. This is a weird type of sadness and I keep on messing up what I say.) So please forgive me. I hate looking like a failure or something to belittle. I don't feel like the popular girl that many of you make me out to be sometimes. I'm not an awesome person. I'm not cool. I hate socializing unless I know already the people (usually why I can get so loose on streams since I know most of you). I'm sorry, but I felt the need to speak my mind on this. It hurts to be pushed down by some people. And then it's confusing to be told "you're so great at drawing and are so nice", by other people. I'm sorry.
My heart hurts and it just makes me not wanna draw, write, read...or be around others. I get like this a lot and it's a depression side I don't want to show to others since I hate being worried over. I don't deserve it. I know people with worse cases of depression than mine that'll have in a way *excuse my terminology* a sass-fight about how much worse their problems are compared to mine.......another big reason I hate to share how much of a lame person I am.
And sorry, once again. It's a lengthy journal, so I don't blame ya if ya skip over this. It get's quite annoying to see depression journals. I promise to take this down as soon as the mood has left...And now that my shaking has calmed down after writing, I'm going to sleep. Sorry and see y'all later.